EPISODE 146: How Rude

The following column was posted on whirlybirdz.com.  The opinions therein do not represent the opinions of the WhirlyBirdz VHS, FFW, SVW, Thompson Auto, Diamond Motorsports, ARCA, or anything else even remotely associated with Daniel Pollaski.  You have been warned. Hey Kids! I don’t think I need to tell you all that over here in my neck of the woods, life is pretty good right now.  I mean, for starters, my good friend and client Wendy just made Jo McFarlane cry and tap out, marking her fourth win in her past five matches.  Now she gets to go set her sights on the No Surrender Championship, something that I have no doubt inmy mind she’s walking out of that tournament with. As for me though?  Well, things are going pretty good in Camp Pollaski as well.  After all, I just beat Gary Fuckin’ Gillray, which proves to be the first time Gary’s gone to the L column in SVW.  Hell, you all saw that match.  I was so fucking scary, Gillray didn’t want ANY part of me!  Dumbass would rather fight an  announcer, my condolences to Mr. Horton.  And best of all, my anal virginity remains firmly intact, and now should remain so until my first prostate exam.  Told you all my strategy was going to work. So moving on, next up Danny’s going back into the tag team, and once again I’m teaming up with Nikkii Spainhower, who’s back in the ring for a wrestling match for the first time since she castrated Crazy Crazy Millar with a kick.  Seriously, I don’t know why everyone gives Nikkii such crap around here.  Wrestling’s full of crazy bitches who want to beat the shit out of you.  Nikkii’s just a sweet, down-home girl from the Sunflower State who just loves to wrestle.   Having lived in Kansas myself, I can totally dig that, especially if Nikkii pulls for the Jayhawks. Rock Chalk, motherfuckers Opposing us is the Brotherhood of the Travelling Ringtights, consisting of a guy who looks like Stephanie from Full House, and sounds like Groundskeeper Willie.  Standing next to him is your big dumb stereotypical Russian.  Except less bad ass.  Seriously, if Mikola Polova wants to get taken seriously around here, he needs to start uttering the following phrases: 1. I must break you. 2. If he dies, he dies. I dunno, maybe try singing your national anthem once in a while too.  Americans love the Russian National Anthem! Anyways, we’re going to square off here later tonight, something I’m sure the SVW promoter is totally thrilled about because as of right now, no one actually is acting like this match is going to happen.  After all, I’m still writing this last minute blogpost, and unless the Bros from European Hos are as big procrastinators I am, this all you’re gonna get for hype, kids. Good thing I’m like a walking, talking, typing hype machine.  Check this out. THE NEXT SVW PAY PER VIEW IS GONNA BE AWESOME, MOTHERFUCKERS! That alone just got us 2,500 more buys.  You’re welcome, Mr. Gambini.  Or whoever the fuck is running the place tonight. Whats even funnier about the Bra’s neglection to mention me is that, well, I’ve been doing some serious shit-talkin’ around here.  Stuff like Rori O’Connell doesn’t deserve the Defiance championship because Rori O’Connell sucks.  (I’m sure what I said was actually way more profound and logical, but you can go back and watch the fucking Halloween night show, because I’m not repeating it.).  Rori, of course, is obviously following the advice given by his sugar daddy Alexander McIntyre, who of course follows the Belmont-McIntyre family’s code to the letter on such a thing: Ignore the fuck out of it.  And pray they don’t have wooden stakes. I guess it works, right?  I mean, there’s always something to be said for taking the (Kilburn) high road.  And plus, if life has taught me anything, it’s that problems go away if you ignore them. Unless, of course, they don’t. Like, you know, you get booked against them four weeks later. Ah well, keep ignoring me, Rori.  Keep dreaming about that Defiance title shot you don’t fucking deserve.  Meanwhile, I’m gonna squash you so flat, you’ll be more two-dimensional than Mikola’s personality.  And maybe Nikkii will land a nice little kick, so not only will you LOOK like Michelle from Full House, you’ll SOUND like her too. HOW RUDE! Oh, and POLLA OUT.