Pepsi Center- Backstage Area
Denver, Colorado
7:31 PM Local Time
“Mo-ther FUCKER,” I groaned as I trudged through the backstage area. Despite having just gone through a match with big Nick Sanders, I wasn’t all that sore.. save for my pride, which had taken a bit of a beating considering not just the fact that I had lost, but the way I had done so as well.
I suppose the question in my head was what the hell Nikkii Spainhower was even thinking, but chances were the answer would be ‘nothing’. I hadn’t even talked to her after the match... I was a bit irritated at the moment, and I didn’t really want to say something to the girl I was going to end up regretting. Nikki’s self-esteem seemed a bit on the... fragile side.
Still, having her coming out, highjacking the ring bell, and distracting me into a loss was hardly the way I had wanted things to happen. At the moment, I just wanted to get back to my locker room, hear some comforting words from my friends, and get the hell out of here back to the hotel.
Comforting words... yeah, fucking right.
Terrence was howling with laughter as I swung the door open, as Theresa stood nearby, banging a crayon on her coloring book in a perfect imitation of Nikki’s bell ringing. Wendy stood by, not exactly laughing, but certainly amused by her daughter’s sense of mimicry. Terrence took one look at me, and his laughter only redoubled, so hard he doubled over, clutching his side.
“Oh, shaddup,” I grunted, taking off my football jersey, and throwing it over Terrence’s head. As could be expected, my so-called friend stopped in his mirth long enough to toss the shirt off in disgust. Still clad in my tanktop, I quickly went to my bag, grabbed a stick of degree, and made a fairly liberal application before grabbing a Hawaiian shirt. “Some friend you are... I’ve never laughed at one of your losses.”
“That’s because I never lost because my Barbie girlfriend started playing with something pretty, shiny, and makes a lot of noise,” Terrence snorted.
“Oh, f-” I stopped as Wendy cleared her throat, remembering that Theresa was in the room. “Shut up!” I snarled again, bending over, picking my Central jersey, and stuffing it into my bag. “And she’s not my girlfriend.”
I looked over at Wendy, who was smiling, but at least looked somewhat sympathetic. “Don’t get too down, Dan,” she said, her voice comforting. “They started you steep in facing Nick Sanders. It would have been a tough win.”
“Yeah, well, that doesn’t stop it from sucking,” I grumbled at her. “At least *you’re* sympathetic.”
“Well, part of me is,” Wendy confessed with a shrug. “But there’s also a part of me that thinks you just got hoisted on your own petard...”
“WENDY!”
I was shooting a dirty glare at my client, but Terrence’s voice caused both her and I to look over at him. Terrence looked scandalized, and had promptly placed his hands over his daughter’s ears.
“I know Nikkii isn’t the smartest girl, but there’s no reason to call her that! Especially in front of our daughter, when we want her to be raised to be tolerant!”
There was a very long moment of silence, as Wendy and I looked at each other, each blinking several times in our astonishment. Wendy was the first to find her voice.
“Um.. Terry, I said PETARD not... it’s a.. well never mind that. It doesn’t mean what you think it does, okay?”
Terrence was skeptical, but he looked over to me for confirmation. I only nodded, and Terrence shrugged, suddenly mollified, and he removed his hands from Theresa’s ears.
“Though that does beg the question.. why ARE you helping Nikkii?” Wendy asked, turning my attention back to her.
I could only shrug. “I dunno. I guess at first I was just doing it to tick Millar and his wife off. But.. I dunno. There’s something about Nikkii that makes me actually like her, despite the fact that she’s hardly the brightest tiki torch in the backyard. I dunno, it’s like she reminds me a cousin, or something. Except... not the kind of cousin you want to push out of the boat in the middle of the lake, then row just hard enough so they can’t catch you as they’re trying to swim back to climb in. You know?”
Apparently neither Bird had... although to be fair, I wasn’t entirely sure that Terrence had any cousins, and all of Wendy’s cousins were kinda Amish...
“Well, it looks like she’s taken a liking to you, too.” Wendy replied, trying to get back to the subject. “Seems to think you’re her guardian angel or something...”
“Yeah... that’s kind of turning out to be a problem. Especially if she wants me to guard her while I’m trying to wrestle..” I mused. I tapped my chin for a couple seconds... “A-HA!” I suddenly exclaimed. “I got it! You’re coming with me to the next Aggression.”
Wendy did a quick bit of calendar math in her brain, then shook her head, her long red hair bobbing back and forth. “Absolutely not. Theresa starts Kindergarten the next morning, and there’s absolutely NO-”
“We can catch a redeye and be back in time for school,” I replied, waving my hand dismissively. “And you OWE me, Wendy.”
“For what?!”
I wagged my finger at her. “Remember when I wrote about Rori Snyder being a phony little lunatic and you suspended me because you thought I made you look bad and it turned out that I was right all along? Yeah, that.”
Wendy opened her mouth, and shut it without a sound, making her look like a suffocating fish. She glanced to Terrence for assistance, but for once, my pussy-whipped friend took MY side.
“He’s kinda right. We all kinda thought that was a cheap move from you. Even you said so later...”
“Dan.. her FIRST day of school...”
“You’ll be there! I promise! We’ll even bring her. Then if something goes wrong, and you miss it, she’ll miss it too, and you can do the whole first day thing on WEDNESDAY! Besides, she won’t miss much. She already knows her teacher’s name, and I’m pretty sure she’s smart enough to know that just because Elmer’s LOOKS like milk...”
I trailed off as Wendy shot me a dirty glare, and then another, pleading glance to her husband, although Terrence merely shrugged. “It’ll be okay. And besides, she’ll have a great ‘Guess where *I* was last night?’ story during graham cracker time.”
Wendy didn’t look happy, but she finally gave in, rolling her eyes. “Okay. What do you want me to do, oh almighty manager?”
For the moment, I merely laughed at my own genius in response.
===============================
THe following blog was posted on whirlybirdz.com. The comments within are solely the opinion of Daniel Pollaski and do not reflect the opinions of either Terrence Thompson and Wendy Briese.
Hey kids!
Yeah, yeah. I’m sure everyone wants to talk about what happened at Aggression. I had Nick beat, Nikkii had a little fun, I lose. Yada yada yada, I’m not bitter towards Spainhower, let’s move on.
Because let’s face it, every single one of you is here to read as I rip Michelle Taylor to shreds. I hope to not disappoint.
Okay, so in case you haven’t been paying attention (and I don’t blame you if you haven’t), here’s a bit of a history lesson to explain how I came to be scheduled to face Goldilocks McIdiot on Monday.
1. The Unstoppable 2 card over in FFW comes out, and Michelle Taylor is not booked. This MIGHT be due to the fact that at the previous PPV, Michelle Taylor was given a shot at the Television title, and she sucked it up. Come to think of it, she also sucked it up in her carpe diem match with Scarlett Kincaid. And that was AFTER Kitty Stryfe interfered.
2. After being oh-so-tragically left off the Unstoppable card, Michelle Taylor decided she was going to bitch, which turns out to be one of the few things Taylor is good at. Michelle also vowed that she would be at Unstoppable. After that news, the debate and conversation about Unstoppable only increased, although it was pretty much about anything BUT Michelle Taylor’s appearance at Unstoppable.
3. Oh yeah, this is kinda important. During said bitching, Michelle decided that a great power play would be to threaten to leave FFW for SVW which was pretty stupid. That led to...
4. As she’s oft to do when people get stupid on her, Samantha Star got irritated. Which means she turned to her BBB (Big Black Bulldozer), Rose Jenkins, and told Michelle beat her, or GTFO.
5. Michelle Taylor showed up at Unstoppable. No one cared.
6. SVW owner Anthony Gambini, wanting to get rid of Michelle just as much as his rival owner does, puts her in a, *ahem* ‘tryout match’, against yours truly. This should say some things about Michelle’s perceived value given that, A. No one else has been forced into a tryout match, including Undine, who also just jumped ship from FFW and was welcomed with open arms, and B. Gambini pretty much said that win or lose, Michelle’s not getting a contract.
So pretty much, I’m under the impression that I’m pretty much here to beat the living shit out of Michelle Taylor, teach her a lesson, and send the fans home (or at least to the second match on the show) happy. I’ll gladly oblige.
You’ve got to give Taylor credit here. There are few figures in professional wrestling that are as uniting as she is. But let’s be honest, the girl brings people together like a singing of Kum-Ba-Yah at Christmastime. Everyone, from the highest main eventer, to the lowest curtain jerker, from big dude Mikola Povola to li’l Hayley Dark, from goody-goody Jo McFarlane to the sinister Kitty, from the fun-loving Danger Queens to the overly serious Collen, simply cannot STAND this bitch. Only Twisted Path has also gained this kind of level of hatred, and again, it ain’t because Twisted Path was sinister. We simply didn’t want them on our television ANY MORE.
And I think we can all look forward to seeing this stupid bitch off television, as well. I mean, what exactly does Michelle do? There was the brilliant “I stole the TV title” interview. There’s that always annoying “Yes, but!” you get whenever Michelle tries to make a point that only she can see the logic of. And there’s the fact that this is a woman who somehow still thinks she belongs in professional wrestling despite the fact that her ONLY win is over some dumb broad who tied her arms behind her back.
And let’s face it- there is nothing more annoying than some stupid twat who can’t fucking take a hint. I don’t know how many Michelle’s been given... being left off of Unstoppable, the ‘win or you’re fired’ match against an opponent she has no hope of defeating, the ‘tryout match that still won’t get you in even if you win’ here in SVW.
Okay, so let’s spell it out for Michelle.
N-O-B-O-D-Y
W-A-N-T-S
Y-O-U
I-N
E-I-T-H-E-R
C-O-M-P-A-N-Y
So Michelle, you have a couple options right now. You can...
A. Wisely decide that this is time to retire, and ride off into the sunset. You’re so dumb, you’ll probably be on the burro backwards, but no one’s gonna hold this against you.
B. Decide that you dont’ want to be in SVW after all, and take your chances with Rose Jenkins. This will also end your career, but there’s a slight chance Rose might be more gracious about this than I’m going to be.
C. ‘Try out’ for SVW, even though it’s been made perfectly clear that you are not welcomed in the company.
Option A and option B don’t concern me, I take the night off, sip a few mai-tais, watch the Strike/Showtime vs. Stark/Stone match, hope Nate manages to use his Daredevil like extrasensory abilities to beat Moxie, and go home happy.
If you choose Option C, though, well, I feel compelled to warn you what’s going to happen.
First, Michelle, do you like the Offspring? Of course you do. Everyone likes the Offspring. I would like to direct you to the cover of their 2003 album, Splinter.
I’m going to do that to your face. Only that won’t be ceramic statue-bits. That’s going to be your skin. Seriously, there will be chunks missing, and you’re going to resemble some zombie from Resident Evil. And that’s just me getting started.
Next, we’ll go to your bones. Of course, that means a trip to their 1995 Album, Smash.
There will be some punching, Michelle. Maybe some kicking. But most of all, Michelle, I’m going to do what I know is going to hurt the most. You ever see Hayley Dark on a trampoline? BOING, and all that? That’s you, and don’t even THINK there’s any sexual connotations there, you fucking diseased dumpster-diving tramp. I’m going to jump on you, landing feet first Three hundred twenty pounds of pissed off Polish-American landing directly on various bones and internal organs. It won’t be BOING. It will be CRACK. Lots and lots of very loud, very painful cracks. I think I’ll finish up with a couple of curbstomps, just to make sure there is no hope that you can ever function as a viable independent creature again.
Seriously, Michelle, if you survive this, you’re going to be a fucking vegetable. You will eat mushed up food through a feeding tube. You will piss and shit into a catheter bag. But dont’ worry, you’ll still get that attention you crave, because I’m sure the media will flock to you when you become the latest ‘right to die’ controversy as your loved ones (provided you actually have any) embark on a furious, humiliating legal battle on whether or not they should pull the plug.
But that’s not the end, Michelle, oh no. While you’re lying there, a quivering, miserable little mess of flesh, bone, and hopelessness, I’m going to plunge my iron fist into your belly, and I’m going to rip out your ovaries and your uterus. Again, there’s nothing perverted about this, I’m just doing what’s best for the survival of our species. Because I’m going to douse those ever-so-essential reproductive organs in gasoline, and light them on FIRE in the middle of the fucking ring, just to make sure that when it comes to the Offspring, there is ABSOLUTELY NO CHANCE IN HELL YOU WILL HAVE ONE!
Seriously, I could post a photo of what the end result is going to be, but I don’t think people could actually stomach to be able to look at it. I fully expect this match to cut to commercial in the middle, so that SVW can save a shitload of media scrutiny. So here’s the Offsprings 1989 debut album, just so I can keep the theme here.
Now I’m sure some of you are wondering “Daniel Pollaski, you horrible person! How could you even think of doing this to a woman!” And you’d be right. Violence against women is deplorable. But any woman who steps into a wrestling ring is a competitor, pure and simple. Trust me, if there’s one thing Wendy’s taught me in my life, it’s that.
But the thing is, Michelle isn’t a real woman anyways. She’s a demon, sent to us by Satan himself, to destroy all semblance of rationale from human society. So I’m not going to be doing this because I’m twisted and sadistic. I’m doing this because this has been given to me as my sacred, civic duty. For the betterment of society, Michelle Taylor needs to be destroyed.
So Michelle. The balls in your court. Retire, skip over to Rose, or face me. But you’ve been warned what’s coming should you choose option C. I think it’s only fair that you know, just as its fair that I’m giving you a fair shot at defeating me, instead of just simply hiring a sniper to stand in the rafters and put a bullet in your brain as you walk down to the ring, and end all our problems immediately.
But you’re an idiot, Michelle. You never took a hint before, what’s to believe you’re going to take one now? So you’re going to choose Option C anyways.
Go ahead. I dare you.
Polla. Out.
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