EPISODE 97: Backseat Driver

Tuesday May 4, 2011
The RV- Main Cabin
Interstate 75 Near Caryville, Tennessee
11:59 AM Local Time

“You’re swaying back and forth, Dan! Keep it steady!”

I looked up from my Droid, and grimaced at my husband’s wrods. Personally, I couldn’t feel any side to side movement coming from the RV as we drove down Interstate 75 towards Knoxville- the ride seemed smooth- at least as smooth as a forty-five foot RV barrelling down the highway ever got. My manager seemed to think so too, because while I couldn’t hear his muttered reply verbatim, there definitely seemed to be a level of resentment to it.

Then again, resentment had become my manager’s theme over the past couple of days. He had barely spoken to me, even curtailing his usual flow of chatter during my workout on Monday. Even when he did speak, it was with curt responses. I was actually surprised he had agreed to accompany us to South Carolina at all. Although I had no intention of letting Pollaski into the Bi-Lo Center Thursday Night, I still thought he had every right to be at least nearby watching, if anything.

Unfortunately, my idea that Pollaski ‘earn his keep’ by driving the RV at least part of the way was backfiring horribly.

“You’re accelerating too hard! You’ll screw up the transmission!” Terrence barked again,

“I’M IN CRUISE CONTROL!”

“Terry, calm down,” I finally said, eyeing my husband. “Isn’t the whole reason we’re having him drive for a while so you don’t spend so much time behind the wheel? So you can sit back and relax?”

“I am relaxed!” my husband protested. “Well, at least I would be if Shakeyhands McSwerverton up there knew how to drive. I thought he passed his license test.”

“He’s doing fine, Terry,” I said, then looked down at my phone, where I was playing a game of chess against Terrence. I grinned evilly. “Gotcha!” I slid my rook across the board, and looked up triumphantly at Terrence. “Checkmate!’

Terrence looked at his own phone for several seconds, looking around the board, trying to find a way out. Finally, he shook his head, and flipped his phone off. “Dammit. I hate this game.”

“Terry, language” I admonished gently, beckoning to my daughter, curled up into a ball next to me on the RV’s couch, sleeping. She looked like a veritable angel. On the other couch lay Cassie, lying on her side, also taking a nap. I stifled a yawn myself. Maybe I should take a nap too.

That yawn turned into another eyeroll as my husband again turned his head towards the RV cockpit in alarm. “You’re drifting into the other lane! I can feel it.”

“I’m in the right lane! I’ve been in the right lane for the last thirty miles, and I’ll probably be in the right lane for another thirty! But if something comes up, and I have to change lanes, I’ll be sure to announce it over the intercom system so you don’t have a heart attack!”

“Wait..” I looked over at my glowering husband. “We have an intercom system?”

“No,” Terrence grunted.

I sat quietly for a few minutes. His jaw clenched, my husband had turned back to his phone, and, by the sound of it, was playing Angry Birds. I looked up towards the front of the RV. Maybe this was as good a time as any to talk...

I rose from the couch, and pushed my way forward, my hands out wide to steady my balance. Finally, I arrived at the front, and threw myself into the copilots seat. “How’s it going?” I asked Pollaski quietly.

“Wish Backseat Driving Miss Daisy back there would quit yapping, but other than that, can’t complain.” Pollaski grunted.

I smiled softly, but only for a second. “We need to talk,” I said, bluntly.

“We do?”

I sighed. I should have expected Pollaski to be somewhat uncooperative, but it was still irritating. “You don’t seem like you’re happy with me.”

“Oh, I’m happy. Haven’t you heard the news? Everyone’s happy! I got to keep my job, you keep your angelic reputation, and the kids on Twitter got the knowledge that the big evil fat guy got put in his place. Sunshine and rainbows all around!”

I winced at the sarcastic barb, and looked out the window. The view was beautiful- the Tennessee Appalachians were in a fine springtime splendor today. It’s a shame I wasn’t feeling like that inside at the current moment.

“I did what I felt was best...”

“No, you did what you felt was best for YOU. You threw me under the bus, jeopardized all that we had, because of a couple of tweets and a column. You’re so goddamned obsessed with looking like the ‘good girl’ all the time, you were willing to sacrifice ME on the altar, just so you could look virtuous for another week. What kind of ‘good person’ sacrifices their friends for popular support?”

I looked out the window, stunned. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, and I took a deep breath to steady myself. “That... that’s not true.”

“Oh, it’s not? I didn’t Tweet, but you don’t think I wasn’t paying attention? The moment you saw Rori Snyder was around, you burst on the feed practically singing ‘Ding Dong the Witch is Dead!’. So yeah, I’m sorry if I’m a bit irritated by you thinking what your OPPONENTS think of you matters more than me.”

“That’s not why I...”

“Really?” Pollaski barked. “Then why-”

“Because what you said hurt me too!”

There was a pause. Pollaski’s clenched grip on the steering wheel relaxed just a bit, and he looked over at me. “How? I’ve said nothing but praise for you...”

“Dan, you have yet to go through the absolute devastation that comes with losing a parent. Both your mom and your dad are alive and well in Omaha, and I pray to God they remain so for a very long time. But my mother’s dead, and my father might as well be. Terrence’s parents are dead. Rori’s parents are dead. Robbyn’s parents are dead. All of them prematurely, and violently.”

The tears were now leaking out, and I tried wiping them away. “What you said was callous, and cold, and was an insult to any child who has ever gone through the horrors of losing one of the ones that raised them. Not just Rori. Not just Robbyn. EVERYONE. And that’s a lot of people.”

Pollaski said nothing, just stared straight ahead, both hands gripped on the steering wheel. I continued “And worse, you USED my mother’s death, and how I handled myself afterwards, to justify yourself! That’s sick Dan, and it spit on every ounce of self-control I mustered to keep from completely breaking down at that point in my life. You trivialized one of the worst moments of my life.”

There was a long period of silence. Finally, Pollaski spoke, his voice raspy. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think about that.”

“And I’m sorry I turned what should have been a private matter between you and I into a dog and pony show,” I replied, wiping my eyes again. “It’s just... I was pretty upset.”

There was another pause. “So now what?”

I thought for a second, then sighed. “Well, I still can’t have you at Velocity. I think having you out there is just going to be too much. But I love having you in my corner. You stop interference, you give great advice, and I think you’re kinda good luck.”

Pollaski shrugged, breaking into a small smile. “If you let me, I could bring even more ‘good luck’.

I snorted, and shot him a stern look. “No, you still can’t interfere.”

“Damn,” came the good natured response. “I really wouldn’t mind cracking Rori over the head with a mini-bat. That girl is an idiot.”

“She’s not an idiot, Dan,” I said, rolling my eyes. “She’s just a twenty-year old kid. She’s just a little immature. But she has a good heart, and a lot of talent, from the looks of things. I did some pretty stupid things at that age too...”

“Like take up wrestling in the first place?” Pollaski snorted with a laugh, and turned to shoot me a wink. He sobered for a second. “Maybe, but you were never dumb enough to get married to a guy after two weeks.”

I paused, and nodded slightly. “Well, it probably was rushed. But really, is it our place to say? And I was thinking about it... you know, Rori’s not the first person to marry someone that no one else thought was right for her.”

“If you’re talking about yourself, its apples and oranges here. Everyone but your parents knew that you and Terrence were right for each other. And your parents hated him because he was Protestant, of English decent, and from a blue-collar family. He-”

I yelped as the RV shook violently, and Pollaski was cut off, gripping the steering wheel for dear life. Just as quickly, it passed, although Terrence’s reaction didn’t.

“What the hell are you doing, Pollaski? Going off road?”

“It was a pothole!” Pollaski and I chorused in a sing-song voice.

Pollaski sighed. “Look, the reasons may escape me at the moment, but Terrence is a good guy, and he loves you very much. He’s rubbed some people the wrong way over the years, but hey, who hasn’t?”

“Yeah, and Casey’s rubbed a lot of people the wrong way too...” I mused. “I’m one of them...”

“Yeah, I noticed that. And you ever notice how once Casey’s pissed someone off, Rori is so quick to jump to his side, and say that he’s a misunderstood sweetheart?”

I nodded. “I’ll point back to the young and immature comment I made earlier...”

Pollasi snorted. “That. Or she’s terrified of what would happen if she ever disagreed with him in public.”

There was another long period of silence, and I looked over at my manager nervously. “You have no proof. And that’s way too serious an accusation to ever throw around.”

“I dunno...” Pollaski chuckled. “I could light that fuse on Twitter one night, and enjoy the fireworks...”

“Dan...” I growled in exasperation.

“Hey, Pollaski!” Terrence called from the back. “I’m hungry! Pull us off first place, and let’s have lunch!”

I smiled sympathetically. “Sorry, looks like you’re getting kicked off.”

Pollaski laughed. “Fine by me. If he wants to drive, I’ll sit right in that chair and sideseat HIS ass all the way to Greenville. See, how he likes it.” Dan then looked up, surveying a sign detailing the coming interchange. “Applebees isn’t on the list, is it?”

I shook my head and smiled. “No. Applebee’s is sitdown. We only can’t go into other fast-food restaurants besides Taco Bell.” I turned around. “Terrence, if Applebees is okay with you, better wake Theresa and Cassie up. We’re pulling off.”

I sighed in content as Pollaski maneuvered the RV off the interchange, and began to slow down. The schism that had developed between my manager and I likely wasn’t fully healed- those took time, but at least we were on speaking terms again. It felt good to be getting along again, and it was one less distraction out of the way before my match with Rori. Despite what I had said the other day, I was worried about the match- it had ‘trap door’ written all over it. I *should* be winning, but I’d been upset before, and likely would again.

Ah well, so long as I just went out there, and did what I knew best, I’d be okay.

The RV lurched to a final stop, and Pollaski killed the engine. Stretching lazily, the five of us all got up from our seats. Theresa came running up to me, and I took her hand in mine. “Alright, shall we go?”

Cassie, freshly awake from her own nap, nodded, then yawned. “Yeah, I’m starving. By the way, did you guys do something to the RV? That was the smoothest ride I remember in a long time.”

Pollaski and I looked at each other, then we both looked at Terrence, who had the exact same facial expression he had the time someone low-blowed him with a tire iron. Suddenly, I began to sense what a villager in Pompeii might have felt just before Vesuvius erupted...

“Um... maybe... maybe we oughta go and get a table...” I stammered, taking my daughter’s hand, and backing towards the RV’s exit.

“Lead on...” Pollaski muttered, giving me a slight nudge of urgency.

Even Cassie was getting the impression that she had just said a very bad thing, and she was backing away from Terrence as well. “Um... wait up?”

As one, the four of us broke, and beelined out the RV’s door, evacuating the premises.