Hey kids!
Goddamn, it’s been a while since I’ve written one of these. Hell, it’s been a while since I’ve even had a match in SVW. Holy shit.
Anyways, the last you saw of me, I was pinning Nick Sanders in some triple threat match, and the next thing I know, I’m in some triple threat match AGAINST THE SAME DAMN PEOPLE at Criminal Intent, only this time, it actually was for a Defiance title shot. Long story short, something about that (and I can’t even remember what the fuck it was) rubbed me the wrong way, I made a couple of posts on Twitter that I probably shouldn’t have, Anthony Goomba got butthurt about it and removed me from the match.
And now I’m in the main event of the EXACT SAME PAY-PER-VIEW, representing a show that I’ve yet to compete on (well, until Sunday, anyways), with a chance to drive Gambini and his parade of cocksucking acolytes out of SVW once and for all.
Yeah, I’m not exactly sure how the fuck that all worked out either.
Not that I’m complaining of course. I mean, I’M GONNA TEAM WITH MOTHERFUCKING STARK AND STONE! Which, try as I might, I can’t bring myself to hate them, even if they did beat my Bro from another Mo Terrence and my Gravy Train Wendy (I’m not ashamed to say it. I make WAY more off her royalties than what the chaeapasses here in SVW are paying me.). I can’t even hate Cara for jumping me and beating me up at her bowling party. Considering what I’m about to do to someone else who jumped me recently, that should just say how awesome Cara is.
And of course, I get to be the good guy again. It’s one of those conundrum’s that I have. I love being a jackass and destroying people who annoy me. But I kinda also like being the hero and saving the day. If there was a universe where every supervillian hailed from Deadhorse, Alaska, I’d be the fucking KING of that place.
Luckily, instead of the evil Helmsley-Tron 3000, I get someone who’s just as idiotic, and not nearly as talented inside the ring. By that, I mean WHITLEY MERCER. Now, I’m sure most of you know what happened here, but for those of you that didn’t, at New Years Retribution, I faced Camilla Pazzini in a match. And I actually lasted longer than three minutes, which means a big payday for those of you who took the over in Vegas. But towards the end of the match, just as things were starting to turn in my favor, who but Little Miss Mercer comes jumping into the ring, planting me flat on my face, and celebrating while Chunks gets the win.
Now, being jumped from behind in the middle of a wrestling match is shitty enough, but come on. WHITLEY MERCER? The little dyejob from Pwn3d!? THe idiot whos highlight of her WHOLE FUCKING CAREER is that she stood underneath Jo McFarlane and watched her pull down the briefcase at Unstoppable 2? The genius who came out so flat against Wendy in her VERY OWN CARPE DIEM MATCH my client was practically pulling her hair out in frustration? The very same Whitley Mercer who disappeared from FFW for months, and NO ONE MISSED HER?
Would YOU want THAT screwing you over in a PPV match against one of the best wrestlers on the fucking planet?
Didn’t think so.
So yeah, Whitley already was on my bad side after that. So I demanded a match, and got it (thanks whichever Mackenzie is running the place! I get you all so goddamn confused). And Whitley’s coming over to SVW to face me. Whoo hoo! I’ll show her.
Then Whitley Mercer did the unthinkable. She attacked Dani Mason. Now I know that Dani and Whitley were friends, but if there’s ever anyone who both (1) didn’t deserve to be punched and (2) would probably be killed by a punch, its Dani. She’s one of the sweetest girls on the planet, and from all accounts, she’s damn good in her job as Cody Kincaid’s personal assistant. In short, beating her up is like 100x worse than jumping me in a match.
Which meant a simple asswhupping in the ring just wasn’t gonna cut it anymore.
You see, I’m like Eric Cartman from South Park. I’m fat. I’m funny. I’m easy to make fun of. And if you EVER try to screw me over I WILL KILL YOUR FUCKING PARENTS, GRIND THEM INTO CHILI MEAT, FEED THEM TO YOU, AND LICK THE FUCKING TEARS OFF YOUR FACE WHILE RADIOHEAD MOCKS YOU!
Or maybe I’ll just ruin your career. For Whitley, mission the fuck accomplished, not that she had much of a career to begin with. You think anyone’s going to take her seriously after that? You think there’s going to be a promo by any of her opponents in the next SIX MONTHS that doesn’t mention what I did to her, or call her Shitley? No, that’s who she’s going to be from now on. The girl who pissed off Daniel Pollaski and got shit dumped on her.
But it ain’t over. Oh no. She’s still got that match. And I hope she brings the idiot she calls a boyfriend out too. I mean seriously, it’s bad enough to talk like it, but the MAN TWEETS LIKE HE’S FUCKING BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD! And this is somehow an IMPROVEMENT?
I want the old Whitley back. The Whitley who just royally sucked, and wasn’t an annoying twat.
Well, she’s dead, apparently. And the new one is going to be too. Because remember how much Michelle Taylor annoyed me?
That. Times a bajillion.
Polla Out.
Bitch.
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