Wednesday, June 8, 2011

EPISODE 105: Snot Funny

Wednesday June 8, 2011
North Airport Embassy Suites- 7th Floor Balcony
Los Angeles, California
7:04 PM Local Time

“Ready to go down for breakfast?” I asked as I shut the door to my suite behind me. Hearing no response from either my husband or daughter, I looked over. “Terry?”

Like most Embassy Suites, the accomodations were built around a wide-open indoor atrium in the center of the building, the rooms opening up to balconied walkways that overlooked the central area. Terrence was leaning over the railing, while Theresa, looked through the bars down towards the ground.

“What are you looking at?” I asked, approaching the railing at my husband’s side. Terrence didn’t reply, just pointed down. I looked down, and grimaced. The floor of the atrium was one of the nicest I’d ever seen from an Embassy Suites, with almost a rainforest like motif, complete with a waterfall and small reflecting pond near the main glass elevators. About half of the atrium, however, was taken up by a large eating area, where the hotel served its famous cooked-to-order breakfasts to awakening guests. Seated at one of the tables, almost directly beneath us, was my manager, still dressed in his tuxedo, bent over the table, his head buried in his arms. I sighed- that was the exact same place I had last seen Pollaski the night before.

“Oh, no,” I whispered. “Has he been down there all night?”

“Looks like it,” Terrence muttered. “He must be pretty bummed.”

I could understand why. The previous night- the FFW Anniversary Party that Samantha Star had thrown, had been nothing short of a complete disaster for him. When Pollaski had found out that Playmate of the Month Jaclyn Swedberg was to be his date for the occasion, he had been ecstatic. But one look at Ms. Swedberg’s face had told me that the exuberance was all one sided. Nevertheless, (since she was being paid for this), Jaclyn had gone along with it, although her reluctance was obvious.

I think Pollaski had sensed it too, because the confidence was never there. Pollaski committed one mistake after another, whether it was a feaux pax in conversation, or a klutzy stumble. It was more and more obvious that he was trying the model’s patience, which finally snapped, in an eruption that would have made Mt. St. Helens jealous. By the time Jaclyn was done emasculating him (in front of pretty much the entire FFW Roster, mind you), and stormed out, I had never seen my manager so upset in my life.

“Poor Pollaski,” I breathed, a statement I rarely made. Normally, Pollaski was hard to pity- his spectacular failures were mostly of his own libido-driven stupidity. But last night- he had valiantly TRIED to be a gentleman, but there was never any doubt that he was out of his league.

“Yeah,” Terrence responded with a snort. “I wish he had told me about ‘Miss April’ though. I coulda talked him out of it.”

I grimaced at the memory. Since Jaclyn had been April’s Playmate of the Month, Pollaski had thought it would have been clever to sing AFI’s “Miss Murder” to her, altering some of the words to suit the occasion. Although it hadn’t been until a couple hours later, when Pollaski had stumbled and dumped a plate of fettuccine alfredo down Jaclyn’s dress (then boldly tried to clean up certain areas on her without permission) that the night fell apart, the song certainly had set a sour mood for the evening.

“Theresa, don’t do that,” I admonished. Theresa had been trying to see if she could stick her head between the gaps in the railing bars. Even though success seemed unlikely, I didn’t really want to find out if it was possible, considering the bars were all that seperated my daughter from a sixty-five foot plummet. As Theresa backed away, sulking, I turned back towards Terrence. “So what should we do?”

Terrence shrugged. “No idea.” He paused, and a evil grin suddenly formed on his face. “You think I could land a loogie from here?”

“What?” I asked, caught off guard, before my eyes widened. “God, no! That’s disgusting, Terrence! And he’s your best friend!”

“Yeah, so he’d be cool with it.” Terrence replied, a bit of logic I couldn’t even possibly start to fathom. “It’s not like I’d be doing it to some random stranger. Come on, it’d be a heckuva shot. Hundred points!”

“Terry, I really don’t think-”

*HAWK*

“NO!”

My hand shot out, hoping to cover Terrence’s mouth before he did what I knew he was going to do. That turned out to be a mixed blessing. On the good side, I probably saved someone, Pollaski or other, from having a really disgusting start to their day. But, considering what was now on my right hand, it took every ounce of intestinal willpower to stop me from throwing up- which likely would have gone over the railing as well.

“Oh God...” I whimpered, horrified.

“No one made you do that,” Terrence admonished, before grinning. “Oh come on, Wendy. It’s just saliva. If you lick it up, it’d be just like kissing me!”

I retched, and swallowed hard. “That just makes me not want to kiss you. Like ever. Again.” I managed to wheeze out. Without any other options, I wiped my hand on the side of my husband’s jeans. Terrence didn’t look happy about THAT, but he probably figured protesting would be a very bad idea. “And would you please try and set a GOOD example for our daughter?” I hissed.

Terrence looked over at Theresa, who was tracing her fingers along the curls of the bars on the railing, and snorted. “If she could hit a stationary target like that from here, I’d freakin’ buy her a pony.”

“Terrence!”

My husband shot me that insufferable grin of his, and I glared back, only looking away when I heard the sound of a door opening behind me. I turned as I saw Cassie exiting the next-door suite, stretching idly as she did.

“What’s going on? What are you two fighting about?”

“Oh, Terry’s just being gross,” I replied, rolling my eyes, and shooting a nasty look at my husband. For his part, Terrence merely leaned against the railing, and shrugged, his grin having become an equally-annoying smirk. He looked over at Cassie and nodded a good morning. “How’d you sleep?”

“Oh, fine.” She remarked waving to Theresa, who was still tracing the railing. “Pollaski never got in last night though. Kinda weird not having to listen to that bozo snoring.”

I nodded. We had gotten two suites for our stay here in LA- Terrence, Theresa and I staying in one, while Pollaski and Cassie begrudgingly shared a room. Still after hearing Pollaski’s buzzsaw snoring echoing through the RV, I could imagine Cassie being unaccostomed to peace and quiet for once.

“So how was the party?” Cassie asked, leaning back against the railing. “I suppose moron’s off still playing with Jaclyn Hyde.”

“Swedberg,” I corrected. How come no one else could remember her name? “The party was fine, but Pollaski’s just downstairs. He had a rough night.”

Cassie’s eyebrows arched in suprise, and she looked over at my husband for confirmation. Terrence merely nodded. “Yup. Date lasted all of ninety-four minutes. He’s been down there since the party” He then pointed down, where Pollaski was still hunched over the table.

Cassie looked down, and was quiet for a few seconds. THen she threw back her head and laughed, so coldly I felt chills down my spine. “Cassie, what-”

“NICE GOING, YOU BIG STUPID OAF! WAY TO SCREW IT UP FATTY!”

I was stunned as my nanny leaned over the railing, yelling triumphantly to the ground below. Pollaski never moved, but considering the echo around the atrium, there was no doubt he heard her. The entire hotel heard her.

“Cassie!” I hissed. “What are you doing?”

“All week, that moron was going on about this stupid date!” Cassie responded savagely. “How he was all going out with a Playboy bunny, like he was some big shot. Well APRIL FOOLS, IDIOT!”

Even Terrence was taken back by Cassie’s cold behavior, and the two of us exchanged glances. Some of the people below were looking up at us, and I shook my head.

“Okay, so, before the entire hotel starts thinking we’re crazy family, could we all start acting like ADULTS, please?” I implored, looking at my husband and nanny in turn. “And Cassie, I’d REALLY appreciate it if you didn’t participate in Schadenfreude in front of my daughter. That’s the kind of stuff that’s going to rub off on her.”

Cassie shrugged, nodded, and mumbled a halfhearted apology. Terrence, however, turned, wide-eyed at my nanny, suddenly livid.

“You did WHAT? That’s disgusting! When was this? Why didn’t you tell me sooner, Wendy?”

That wasn’t quite the reaction I had been expecting, and I blinked as Terrence wheeled towards me with a look of outrage. “Wh..what are you talking about?”

“The woman we trust our child with is involved in that, and you only now JUST tell me?”

I blinked, absolutely bewildered. A quick glance at Cassie told me she was as every bit as confused as I was. “But, she only just did it like a minute ago.”

“She did? Where?”

“Out here... when she yelled down at Pollaski.”

Terrence paused for a second, then rubbed his scalp. “Wait... we’re talking about this schiestie-thingie, right?”

“Schadenfreude? Yeah. The act of deriving joy from someone else’s suffering...”

“Oh,” Terrence said, then his eyes went wide. “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” He chuckled sheepishly, and looked over at Cassie apologetically. “I’m sorry, I thought you were talking about something ENTIRELY different. Yeah, never mind...”

Terrence nervously rubbed the back of his head, and I glanced at Cassie, who’s expression had gone from one on the verge of tears to a disgusted look that clearly said ‘really?’

“What did you-” I began, only to suddenly decide that I was better off not knowing. “Right, what do you say we go down for breakfast?”

There was a quick murmuring of agreement, and we all set off, Theresa bounding after us, as we headed towards the elevator.

“Hey, Wendy? You need Pollaski today?” Terrence asked as he pushed the down button.

“Not really. I have a workout, and then I’m shooting that PSA for the Komen Foundation. Why?”

Terrence shrugged, as he hoisted Theresa up into his arms. “I was thinking of taking him to E3. Y’know, lift the kids spirits, let him have some fun. Hook him up with a booth babe or something.”

“You know, that’s actually a great idea,” I remarked, then turned to Cassie. “Why don’t you and Terr-Bear come with me then? I don’t know how long the shoot’s going to take, but afterwards, we could go do something fun. Just us girls.”

Cassie shrugged, and nodded her approval of the plan, and the elevator doors opened, the four of us getting in. I smiled, and looked through the glass elevator walls at my manager, who was still slouched over the table in his tuxedo, as we began to descend.

It was going to be an interesting day.

=======================
Thursday June 8, 2011
North Airport Embassy Suites- Room 723
Los Angeles, California
7:21 PM Local Time

[Scene opens with Wendy Briese sitting on the couch in her Embassy Suites hotel room, smiling at the camera. Wendy’s gone with the casual look, tonight, a plain gray t-shirt, and a pair of kahki capris.]

“I guess, before I begin, I should apologize, on behalf of my manager, for that rather... ugly scene at the Anniversary Party last night. It’s fairly safe to say that my Pollaski didn’t quite... have good chemistry with his date. It happens at times, I guess. Especially on blind dates. Not that Pollaski wasn’t grateful for the... ‘gift’ that Ms. Star gave him. No, he was very grateful! And really excited. Thing’s just didn’t quite...”

[Wendy’s face falls and she takes a deep breath.]

“Okay, it was a disaster. And, honestly, I feel bad for him, because he tried really hard there. Maybe too hard. I know a lot of people have issues with him, and I can’t blame half of them, but... ultimately, my manager’s a good guy. He wouldn’t be my friend and I wouldn’t have hired him if he wasn’t. He’s just... well, impulsive. And a bit manic. And REALLY not good with women. Which makes it even more awkward, because this is an all-women’s wrestling company.”

[Sheepish grin]

“But... enough about the FFW Anniversary Party, because now we have the FFW Anniversary SHOW coming up tomorrow! Once again, I’m teaming with Kassandra and Crystal Hilton. This time, however, the opponents are a lot tougher than the team we faced at Conviction. The Evolution trinity of Colleen, Undine, and Robb-een!”

[Wendy gives another cheesy, sheepish grin at misprouncouncing Robbyn’s name so that all three of her opponent’s names rhmymed]

“But after I my interview went up last week, I’ve been doing some thinking. I’ve wrestled in tag teams for much of my career, generally alongside my husband, so I’d like to think I know a little about teamwork in a wrestling ring. And when it comes to teamwork, the cliche that always seems to be thrown out is the relationship of the whole in comparison to the sum of the parts.”

“It really goes both ways, though. Obviously, a great tag team can be far better than each member is individually. Look at Angelic S&D there. Both Delilah and Selina are good wrestlers, but you throw them in that ring together, and they’re practically transcendant. But on the flipside, you can throw the absolute best wrestlers on the planet in the same corner, but if they can’t get along, they’re sitting ducks if they’re up against a team with better chemistry.”

“At Conviction, our team seemed to be the former. Kassandra, Crystal and I weren’t exactly a well-oiled machine, but we worked very well together, we gave each other a fair amount of trust and respect, and it paid off for us. This time however, things are different. I already talked about this, but I think the concern that we won’t function as well as a unit this time around is legitimate, and to be honest, fairly unsettling.”

“But by looking at our opponents, there’s one thing that’s certain- if THOSE three can find a way to work together after all they’ve put each other through, there’s absolutely no reason why my team can’t.”

[Wendy grimaces, and rubs her chin, looking pensive, before sighing]

“There’s no guarantee of that happening either, though. This’ll probably get me some flack, but I think that the weak link of that team is the champion herself, Colleen. Now, not saying ANYTHING about Colleen’s ability, she is the Evolution Champion for a darn good reason, and in a one-on-one situation, she’d probably be the toughest of the three to defeat.”

“But Colleen strikes me as a loner- one who clearly carries the tag ‘doesn’t play well with others’. You can’t really blame her, the last few times she’s been on a team, she kind of got hung out to dry. She trusts herself, her own abilities, and no one else, and going by where she seems to be coming from, it’s probably the best thing for her under normal circumstances.”

“But the catch is, in this kind of match, with, if I may be so bold to say, the talent levels fairly even between the two sides, it’s just not possible to simply go it alone. All six of us are great wrestlers, but none of us are good enough to beat three people at once. Especially three people of the calibur we’re looking at here. You have to be able to not just do your part, but trust that your partner’s will do theirs as well. Flying solo in this dogfight is only going to get you shot down.”

“Maybe that’s the real reason Colleen’s manager was so protestive of this match when it was first announced. None of those three are bosom buddies, but the connections that seem to have the most friction over there are the ones that involve her. She and Robbyn have never seen eye to eye, and she and Undine just got through a very difficult match against each other at conviction. Now, I’ll be the first to tell you that most wrestlers hardly agree one hundred percent with their manager’s sentiments. But I think it’s telling that Wolf Ramsey has been trying to downplay this match from the get-go, even going so far as to call this match ‘meaningless’ on Twitter.”

[For a second, Wendy actually looks slightly annoyed]

“I took great exception to it then, and I still do, which is why I remember it so well. The truth is, there’s no such thing as a meaningless match, especially in a company with as deep a talent base as FFW. Every single woman here wants to be the one at the top of the food chain, or at least as close to that level as we possibly can get. If you’re not wrestling to move up, you’re wrestling to protect your spot. When it comes time for the title shots to be awarded, performance in a single match could very well be the difference between who gets the contracts, and who’s left out.”

“From where I see it, I really have nowhere to go in FFW but up, and I think Crystal and Kassandra are roughly in the same boat. ON the flipside, with the exception of actually going for the FFW Championship, Colleen’s about as high as you can get. But that also means that there’s a long way you can plummet, and even a match as ‘meaningless’ as this could be a tipping point to start the plunge. It certainly explains why at least Wolf isn’t happy with this match- Colleen’s trying to fend off three hungry newcomers who want her spot, and she has to trust two people she’s spent the past few months at odds with to do it. I don’t envy her position, at all.”

[Wendy grimaces, giving the camera- and presumably Colleen- a slight nod of respect]

“I think on the flipside, you have Undine. I honestly like Undine- she has a positive outlook on life. She seems to want to see the good in people. And she’s part of Club CK, a fairly sizeable group of women that seem to get along reasonably well. Although I’m not entirely sure about the merits of an organization that seems to revolve around having a sexual attraction to one’s manager...”

[Ah, Club Pollaski. Never, EVER gonna happen]

[Ever]

“But Undine is outgoing, get’s along well with people, particularily her sister. They have their differences, but you can tell they have good chemistry together. And that’s where I think Undine’s stregnth lies- if that team is going to hold together, Undine will likely be the glue.”

“And even worse, I think Undine’s going to be very hungry tomorrow night. She’s coming off a tough loss for the Evolution title, a loss where she was forced to tap. That’s never a fun way to lose, but even more so when you’re proud of your own submission abilities. She essentially just got beaten at her own game. I’ve been there before- it’s a huge blow to your pride.”

“And that’s why I think Undine might be the most dangerous in this match. She’s capable of working well with people, and she’s got something to prove, especially with the woman who made her tap out standing in the same corner as her.”

[Pause, and a deep breath]

“And last, there’s Robbyn Helmsley. Supergirl. The wildcard.”

“Robbyn’s left little doubt that she has grown considerably in the past few weeks. Not just in her in-ring skills, but her overall maturity as well. Everyone in FFW has heaped tons of praise on her for her poise in that War Games match, especially the early stage, when she was trapped in that cage with Wendigo, and held her own. You can throw me in with the people who were impressed.”

“But here’s the thing- Robbyn was a great teammate in War Games, but remember, Samantha Star pretty much put the hammer down before that match, and made it perfectly clear that infighting on Team FFW would not be tolerated one bit. Robbyn pretty much had no choice but to play nice with the other members of her team- the consequences otherwise would have been undesirable. That’s not the case this time, and it does seem a match with Colleen is in the near future for her. Will Robbyn be so amiable a partner now?”

“I can’t say the truth, because I don’t know Robbyn’s heart. If she has truly turned over a new new leaf, and learned the value of hard work, honesty, and solid technique as opposed to more shady, underhanded tactics, then I congratulate her on her change of heart, and am more than honored to be a part of her journey, albeit as a obstacle she will hopefully not overcome. But if this all has been just Robbyn being Robbyn, looking for a way to survive and claw her way up the ladder, well... it wouldn’t have been the first time we’ve all been fooled.”

[Wendy pauses for just a second, and adjusts her ponytail.]

“I suppose in the end, whether our opponents work together or fall apart, it matters not. The only thing I have any control over is how my team functions, and everyone can be assured that I’ll be doing my part to make sure it functions at the highest level.”

[Wendy smiles, and shrugs slightly]

“Well, however it unfolds, there’s no denying that tomorrow is going to be a VERY interesting night!”

[Fade]

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