EPISODE 181: Immigrant Kane

Hey kids!

So, here I am.  Las Vegas Nevada, just a couple of hours before the 29th episode of aggression.  All by myself too .  After all, Wendy and Theresa are down in Brazil, and Terrence is in the air to go join them as we speak.  And I haven’t been able to get ahold of Nikkii to hook up and have a pre-match dinner, so I’m all by myself.

I could seriously start singing Celine Dion here, but I think we all agree that it’d be better if I didn’t.  So let’s talk for a second about my upcoming match tonight.  Daniel Pollaski going one on one with “The Canadian Sensation” Christian Kane.  AKA, God’s gift to women vs. the guy who THINKS he’s God’s gift to women.

Wait... hold the phone.  Did Daniel Pollaski just call himself “God’s gift to women”?  Yup.  Cause you know what?  I am.  At least for tonight.

Let’s put it this way.  Christian Kane’s pants are, in a lot of ways, like Pandora’s box.  Both were much ballyhooed, and both seem to exist for the sole purpose to be given to some woman that the creator hopes is going to be dumb enough to open it.  And both, when opened, unleash a horde of plagues upon the world. In Pandora’s case, it was the evils of men, such as jealousy, rage, drudgery, and boxing judges.  In Kane’s case, its more along the lines of herpes, syphilis, and gonorrhea.  

There’s one major difference though.  Pandora’s box couldn’t be destroyed. Christian Kane’s pants, or more fortunately, Christian Kane himself... can.

Think about it.  Tonight, I have the opportunity to rid the world of one of womankind’s greatest pestilences.  Tonight I can free females all across the globe of a bonafide creep and pervert, and liberate them to go slide down the flagpole of men who would be far less likely to infect, impregnate, or treat them with disrespect.  Such as your average hip-hop star.

I know, most of you want that honor to go to Chris Strike, and I’ll admit, Chris has certainly earned the right to destroy that bleached blonde motherfucker in August, and I hope that he has fun with whatever pieces of Kane I leave for him after tonight.  But, I owe a lot to the ladies in wrestling.  After all, I’m best known for writing a column about them, I manage a woman who’s made me quite a bit of money, and I’m dating one of the hottest, sweetest girls in the industry.  So for all of them, and moreso around the world, I’M GOING TO DO THIS FOR YOU!

And I can.  You all know I can!  YOU SAW ME AT EXTREME PREJUDICE WHEN I FLATTENED NOAH OVALTINE!  And let’s be honest... how much better is Kane than that guy?  Not a lot, I’m sure.  

I mean, dude got outsmarted by Jo McFarlane.  That says a lot.

So brace yourself, kids... I might be the underdog here, but that’s never stopped me before.  Kane thinks he’s in for a cakewalk against a fatass?  Good.  I hope he underestimates me, right up to the point that all three hundred pounds of me crushes his stermum into sawdust.  Right up until I kick his testicles so far up into his abdomen he somehow ends up impregnating himself.  Right up until I rip his skull off, and use it as a bowling ball.

Okay, that last one probably isn’t going to happen tonight, but hey,a guy can dream, right?

So get ready, ladies.  Most of you won’t be getting off on what I’m about to do.  In fact, almost all of you will be repulsed, and look away in horror.  But it’ll be worth it, and in the end, you’ll be thanking me for ridding you of one of the many undesirable entities that plague our world.

And I won’t even expect an award, after all, sometime’s the journey is better than the destination, and I’m going to enjoy this journey.

A lot.

Polla out .